Probably many people are not very familiar with the name Lin Bai, but they should be familiar with her song “Process”. A few words, no mention of liking, but a vivid depiction of a person’s feelings.
In January you haven’t appeared yet/In February you slept next door/In March it rained heavily/In April there were roses everywhere/In May we sat across from us as if we were in a dream. June is here/In June, the grass is blooming and fragrant everywhere/ July sorrows and joys and joys and sorrows together with wheat waves rolling and rolling until the end of the world/August is August/August I am tight-lipped in August I am the water in a bottle You are the cloud in the blue sky/ September and October are two eyes filled with the sea /You are at sea and I am under the sea/November has not yet arrived/I can see the heavy snow in December and December through its window.
The writing without too much ink and emotion, but with the help of simple image and line drawing, seems to make some ethereal emotions physically visible.
I have to say that although the literary and fresh “Process” was an opportunity for me to know Lin Bai, it was also my first misjudgment of Lin Bai.
After understanding, I found that what she could capture and insight, and the power behind these words far exceeded my imagination.
Writing is not a choice, it is fate
Lin Bai was born in a border town in Guangxi. He lost his father at the age of three. His mother was away from home all the year round because of work. Living alone at the age of seven, when she should be a child, she was forced to face the world. She was out of school, hungry and cold, and the cruelty of the world pressed against her like a huge stone, caught off guard and helpless.
The lack of company for a long time and the premature experience of the cold and warm world made Lin Bai as a child become self-enclosed, sensitive and suspicious. She hardly believed in anyone, including relatives who seemed normal to us.
When she was eight years old, the country’s grandmother bought a barbecued pork bun to see her, but she wondered if grandmother had added some poison to it. The life of an orphan made her feel desolate and horrified. The dark and sick thinking distorted the young mind and deprived her of the ability to feel good.
She is eager to find a closed and safe emotional vent, where she can settle herself, and eventually text becomes the only safe haven. As Lin Bai said, writing for her is not a choice, but a fate.
She must find a lasting belonging and solace in the face of the huge gap in reality to survive the dark winter of life. She began to write a diary every day, and the words became weapons, slowly supporting her dying self. In order to avoid anxiety and depression, she kept writing, and the continuous output of words made her feel healthy and fresh.
Women’s Discourse Power War under Male Writing
In the 1990s, the era ushered in a brand-new transformation. With the introduction of Western literary theories, the literary world has also undergone great changes. Feminist writing has begun to show its prominence. This is fundamentally different from the female records of male writers before. The former tends to be a kind of personalized writing.
In fact, in the 1980s, female writers had little temptations, and they did not obviously get rid of the shackles of patriarchal culture. Instead, they created unique female roles in male society.
In the 1990s, this suppression was actually subverted. Female writers almost challenged this external barrier in an extreme manner. They were dissatisfied with the female image created by male writers, because in the final analysis, it was only their aesthetic display. Desire, a tool to portray the ideals of men. It is not a real female experience, nor can it express their survival experience and survival predicament.
They are eager to get rid of the so-called patriarchy, to remove the male desire inevitable in the description of male writers, and obtain the pure self-anatomy of women as individuals. I hope not to cater to the traditional male aesthetics and not compromise the past male authority, but to put the center of writing on the women’s standpoint, emphasizing women’s right to speak, and completing women’s self-examination. Although this movement finally achieved no amazing results due to the defects of female consciousness and society itself, women are still rejected and rejected, but this shouting and resistance has historical significance.
The “War of One Man” created by Lin Bai during this period is very controversial, and the work presented is a personal result. She is undoubtedly bold. This novel has a semi-autobiographical character, and uses extreme body writing to express the plight of women. A large part of the protagonist Duomi’s life track coincides with herself. In the novel, the third person and the first person “I” are intertwined, giving people a vague sense of a mixture of reality and illusion. Many people said that they couldn’t read this book, some said that Lin Bai was too sensitive, and some said that the whole book was just the imagination of a neurotic mad woman.
I think if it is a personalized writing, the work itself is not resonant. After breaking away from the grand narrative background, because the individual’s experience is different, the perception is different, everyone’s empathy will be different. From this point of view, “One Man’s War” is the result of Lin Bai’s immersive narrative. Behind the text is a long self-exploration and self-deconstruction, highlighting the pain and confusion in women’s growth. This cognition is real and true. rare.
Therefore, this is not a war of the protagonist, Duomi, but also a war of women by Lin Bai.
Autistic narcissism to self-transcendence
The protagonist of the story, Duomi, was born in a small county. He had no father since he was a child, and his mother was a doctor who was responsible for publicizing family planning matters. Lack of the protection of his father and the company of his mother, loneliness has become the background color of Duomi’s life and long-term survival.
She is accustomed to self-enclosure, and the smaller the space, the more secure she feels. So the beginning of the novel is the description of the room, dark and weird, and the lights are dim. Because of the publicity of the health room, there are various strange-shaped genitals stacked in the attic. Mold. This kind of atmosphere is depressing, and Duomi is afraid of this kind of oppression but is powerless. He can only go to bed early every day and choose to escape before the darkness comes. The mosquito net on the bed is the last protective barrier, allowing her to temporarily resist the loneliness of this room.
“During the long days, mosquito nets are a big accomplice. Only mosquito nets can completely separate people and be safe.” The narrow enclosure of the environment is also projected into the dreamland. Duo Mi began to dream frequently, mostly in images of death and unwilling weddings. , This indirectly shows the survival dilemma that she cannot save herself.
On the other hand, being alone means being able to meditate, focus on oneself, and release one’s heart. This seems to be contradictory to externalized autism, but in fact it is connected. Absolute loneliness is absolute freedom in a certain sense.
Because of those weird molds, Duo Mi’s early knowledge of human body structure and long-term solitude made this desire to explore even stronger.
“This kind of touching and gazing at myself started very early, unbelievably early, in kindergarten, five or six years old.”
Obviously, this kind of cognition is beyond the maturity of biological age, and Duomi began to fall into a state of self-obsessiveness. Freud once pointed out that narcissism is a trait that every child possesses, as a supplement to the self-protection instinct, so that the child’s attention is only projected on himself. As age grows, the external environment changes, and the child’s focus This narcissism will finally disappear after turning from oneself to the outside world.
However, Duomi lacks such a transfer, and she is locked. This kind of self-intoxication fills the emptiness in her heart and gains a relative sense of existence.
“I like looking in the mirror most, looking at hidden places, subtropical, long summer, taking a shower in a separate bathroom, looking all over the body and touching it.”
This kind of narcissism itself is vulnerable. Beauvoir mentioned female narcissism in “Second Sex”. “People sometimes think that narcissism is the fundamental attitude of all women, but this concept is extended too broadly. It will destroy its original intention… In fact, narcissism is a very certain process of alienation; the self is treated as an absolute establishment, and the subject escapes from it.”
What she is trying to explain is that narcissism is just a way for some women to escape imperfections, unwilling to admit their actual self-worth. In the end, I got into trouble, and used “narcissism” to avoid external harm and return to my own small world to compromise. Autism, narcissism, and low self-esteem are intertwined, forming the contradictory character of the protagonist Duomi.
She is full of self-confidence in life, but she will feel very inferior when she sees beautiful women, she does not like to share emotions with others, and is not good at establishing intimate relationships. As an adult, Duomi gradually relied on Nandan of the same sex at the beginning, but from a psychological point of view, such dependence is short-lived, because this is actually a process that should have been completed as a child.
What Domi desires more is to integrate into a male-centered society, to be accepted, and to try to please. But the way she broke in was extreme, and she was eventually deceived, physically and emotionally treated roughly, waiting for endless betrayal. After being repeatedly rejected, he chose to give up his attachment to the male society and escape to his spiritual garden. “She swallowed herself, she felt that she had become water, and her hand had become a fish.” As the inscription reads, “One person’s war means a slap on oneself and a wall to block oneself, one Flower destroys herself. One’s war means marrying herself.”
In the end, Duomi chose to give up breaking in and marry herself. This choice is a kind of escape, but it is also bold enough. She is no longer obsessed with equal rights between men and women, but overthrows and rebuilds a utopia that belongs only to her. It can also be regarded as a spiritual transcendence of the individual under the grand background. Up.
A sense of nothingness
Whether Lin Bai’s work is “One Man’s War” or the subsequent companion article “Speak, Room” is full of a sense of elusiveness that is difficult to capture. This feeling comes from the confusion of existence and nihility, and is unique to Lin Bai. The cultural region has a lot to do with, and she has a deep cultural memory of Guimenguan in her heart.
“Guimenguan” is a unique cultural landscape in Beiliu County, Lin Bai’s hometown. The legend behind it has a coquettish mystery, so childhood memories of growing up are very entangled with ghosts and taboos. The Ghost Festival in Beiliu, Guangxi is on the fourteenth day of the seventh lunar month. On this day, you cannot go to the river to take a bath, because on this day the ghost gate will open and the ghosts in the underworld will pull people with weaker Yang Qi as their substitutes.
Survival and death seem to be transformed at this moment. Lin Bai consciously mentioned this proposition many times, using folk custom taboos to further expand the living space of human beings, and expounding whether the image of “ghost” exists or not. It actually showed her confusion about human nature. “Now you already exist, you have broken free from nothingness, but it is not that there is another possibility, falling into nothingness again.” Struggling between resisting nothingness and embracing wasteland consciousness, finally leads to existence.
And Lin Bai’s own wandering situation also laid the sad tone of her writing, her writing style is gloomy and cold, with a vague sense of alienation. Someone once said that if a person’s writing is fragmented, he has no belonging to a large extent. After adulthood, Lin Bai couldn’t wait to choose the county where she fled from her hometown. She never liked it. That place almost contained all the anxiety and eroded her mood. She moved from North to Nanning, then from Nanning to Wuhan, and finally settled in Beijing. She lived in Beijing for more than ten years.
But Beijing is just a city to her, and she can’t find a sense of rooting in it. “Now I have lived in the city of Beijing for more than ten years, just as I still can’t tell the east, the west, and the north. I can’t understand the secrets of this city. Beijing is a great city, but it is far away from me. Outside.” She thought of the hometown she had hurriedly left behind. When she came back to her hometown, she found that everything had changed, and even the local accent became no longer familiar.
In the end, things are neither human nor human, and the world is so big that they become exiles.
Fortunately, there is literature, and literature once again accommodated Lin Bai. It contained her wandering rootless loss and anxiety, and eliminated her uneasy fear. Just like Lin Bai himself once said: “Text is like my dead father and mother far away, and like a thick quilt blocking the world for me.” Writing is not a career for her to make a living, but a career. The field of self-salvation indefinitely, through it, finally find the true self.
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